VeggieTales Star Wars: The Lite Vinaigrette Awakens
by Ek01
Summary: In the hilariously epic beginning of the parody of the sequel trilogy, a new band of heroes will rise and defeat a great evil...
1. Prologue

30 years ago...

——

Jabba, Jabba, Jabba the Pizza Hutt! HOW GOES IT, BUD!!" Cuke shook the Hutt's enormous, blobby "hand", making Jabba's body ripple all over.

-

"As the world

falls down..."

-

"I love you..."

"I know."

-

"Son," said Ne'zzakin, looking back at Luke. "I AM your father, and as long as you are in MY Death Star, you're gonna have to TRUST me!"

"Trust YOU?! You used to be with the bad guys!! How do I know that you're not grabbing your saber, ready to stab me?!

"Then you're just gonna have to BE A MA--Wait...how could I forget, my boy: you've already proven to me that you are."

"Really?" Said Cuke.

"Yes, my son. I've been sending

your presence on this entire adventure you've participated in...I'm so proud of you, my boy." Ne'zzakin hugged his son...

\--

\--

30 years later...

A long time ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away...

"Cuke Skywalker has vanished.

In his absence, the sinister FIRST ORDER has risen from the ashes of the Empire and will not rest until

Skywalker, the last Jedi, has been

destroyed.

With the support of the REPUBLIC, General Leia Organic (yes she's a general now, get used to it.) leads a brave RESISTANCE.

She is desperate to find her brother Luke and gain his help in restoring

peace and justice to the galaxy.

Leia has sent her most daring pilot on a secret mission to Jakku, where an old ally has discovered a clue to Cuke's whereabouts..."


	2. Arrival

The sun set on a humble village in Jakku, the villagers preparing to sleep. But from within a tent, two people were restless, for they knew

something awful was about to occur...

Lor Ba Logna, an elderly bologna (as his name implies), was seated next to a Hispanic gourd by the name of Poe Dameron. Ba Logna handed Poe a flash drive, and closed his non-existent hand around it.

"You must keep this safe." He said. "This contains vital information for the whereabouts of Cuke Skywalker."

"Yes, sir." Said Poe. "You can be sure with me; The Resistance will not fall to the First Order."

Suddenly, the sounds of ion engines could be faintly heard by both of them. This was not a good sign.

"You have to go." Said Lor.

"You have to hide." Said Poe.

Both of them did just that.

The First Order's Star Destroyers arrived, and thousands of brand-new Stormtroopers emerged, ready to kill. Poe Dameron ran out of the tent.

"Come on, GG-8!" He called.

GG, a small, orange, Gumball unit droid rolled alongside Poe.

More Stormtroopers showed up, some used flamethrowers and other new weapons. Lots of captives

associated with the Resistance were taken.

Amidst all of these killings, however, one Stormtrooper was not like the others. He, believe it or not was

actually terrified by all this. A

Stormtrooper pushed him to the

ground, and marked his already dirty helmet with three non-existent

yet blood-covered fingers.

Meanwhile, Poe Dameron had arrived at his X-wing, along with GG-8. GG opened his circular storage compartment, and Poe placed the flash drive inside.

"Get out of sight, and take this to the Resistance." He said.

Little GG-8 nodded, then rolled into the sand and tunneled like a rabbit, trying to get away.

Poe Dameron watched as the ship's door opened, revealing it to be none other than the newest Sith Lord...Kabob Ren.

(Also known as Bob Solo, Jr. But he didn't like to be called that anymore ever since he joined the Dark Side.)

"WELL!!" Kabob said in a gritty voice with his vocal apparatus. He

walked towards a captive Lor Ba

Logna. "WHAT DO WE GOT ON THE

MENU TONIGHT?!! HMMM! LOR BA

LOGNA! Lookin' good old man!"

"...my age is nothing compared to what happened to you."

"Ha, ha..." Said Kabob, an obvious sarcastic air in his voice. "Hi-larious. Now old man, TELL ME WHERE THE MAP IS!!"

Lor had to think of something, or he was screwed.

"I-I-I..." Lor started. "I just remembered, I have to feed my mouse...to my snake!"

"...yeah..." Said a very unamused Kabob.

"I gotta--uh, my homework ate my dog?" Said Lor, getting sweatier by

the second.

"One more strike and you're out..."

Said Kabob.

"...my...casserole's...b-burning?" Said Lor.

Kabob Ren yanked out his knifesaber and threw it into the sand, quickly maintaining his composure and picking it back up.

"WILL YOU SPILL THE BEANS ALREADY, OLD MAN!! ALL IM HEARIN' IS A BUNCH OF BOLOGNA!!"

(Ba-dum-tss!)

"What I'm gonna do to you..." Said Kabob, thinking of a torture method. "OH, WHAT IM GONNA DO TO YOU..."

The Knight Of Ren circled him, thought a moment, chuckled, then

pulled out his three-bladed red knifesaber and calmly walked to Lor Ba Logna.

"Whatever you are going to do to me; I will not submit! I am a Jedi, a user of the Lite Vinaigrette. I am stronger than your petty methods of--"

"Myyyy...Bol

ogna has a first name..."

"NOO!! NOT THAT!!" Screamed Lor. "ANYTHING BUT THAT!!"

"IT'S O-S-C-A-R!!" Kabob chopped Lor in slices.

"HAVE...MERCY!!"

"My Bologna

has a se-cond

name, it's M-A-

Y-E-R!!"

"OKAY!! OKAY!!" Yelled Lor. "I'LL TALK!! I GAVE HIM...TO A GUY NAMED..."

"OHHH I LOVE

TO EAT IT

EV'RYDAY AND

IF YOU ASK ME

WHY I'LL

SAAAAAAYYYYY

..."

"POE DAMERON!! THAT'S HIS NAME!! POE. FREAKIN'. DAMERON!!

PLEASE DON'T CHOP ME UP!!!"

"Alright." Said Kabob. "I'll spare you."

Lor breathed a sigh of relief.

"CAUSE

OSCAR MA-YER

HAS A WAY

WITH B-O-L-G-

N-

AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAA!!!!"

Kabob chopped him up anyhow. He

started to walk away with his captives and others, but Lor had one last thing to say with his dying

breath.

"You...may try...but you cannot...deny the truth, that is...your family."

"WHATEVS OLD MAN!" Kabob walked away. The captives were taken inside.

Meanwhile, Poe was trying to get away when--

"Like, hold it big boy.." Said a tall, female Stormtrooper leek grabbing him by his jacket.

"Captain Phasma.." Said Kabob. "Take him with the others."

Phasma chained Poe and tossed him into her ship. A few captives and Stormtroopers wolf-whistled and howled. Phasma boarded her ship, along with the remaining captives and troopers, and took off.

The mothership took off and flew into space. From a distance, GG-8

watched.


	3. The GREAT ESCAPE!

Aboard the mothership, it was quite dark, with some red and white undertones. Stormtroopers everywhere marched in formation much like Hitler's army. A Stormtrooper was assigned to take

Poe to the execution chamber.

The Stormtrooper led Poe across the many Stormtroopers currently on-duty. Some were wiping the windshields of TIE fighters, others were training new recruits.

"HALT. I got this one, Al." The Stormtrooper from earlier showed up, and took the place of the other one.

"I'm gonna get you out of here." Said the stormtrooper.

"For real?!" Said Poe. "You're with them!"

"Listen..." the Stormtrooper pulled Poe into another room. He removed his helmet, revealing the face of a male leek. "I don't like the First Order. I would spit on Pulpatine's grave if I could, but I can't. They would string me by my guts if I told them about what I think, that's why I've been dying to leave."

Poe thought to himself. Could he

trust this newcomer? All his life he'd been told that they were bad and yet this one wanted to help. He

inhaled.

"Okay." He said. "I trust you."

"LIKE, FN-2187!!!" Called a familiar voice "What gave you the right to, like, take off your helmet, fer realz, dude, like, we have standards."

"Oh!" Finn quickly put his helmet

back on. "Sorry, I was getting kinda hot under there, say! How bout I do your boys a favor and take the prisoner to the execution chamber?"

"Will you do a triple-shift next week?" Said Phasma.

"Of course." Finn replied.

"No sick days, maternity leave, breaks, vacation time, stuff like that?"

"One, I'll do anything you say, two...I'm a male."

"Like, I'll give you a raise."

"You don't pay us at all."

"Like, fair enough." Said Phasma. "Proceed."

Phasma walked away. FN and Poe looked at each other, then FN started to push Poe across the floor while whistling "Ezekiel saw them dry bones" Poe's "feet" squeaking rather loudly. When there were no Stormtroopers in sight, FN took off

his helmet and threw Poe into a

TIE fighter.

"Can you fly one of these things?" He asked Poe.

"I'm a Rebel pilot--I can fly anything." Said Poe, confidently.

"Ok, Bigshot..." said FN, eyeing the incoming Stormtroopers! "Well, you better fly this thing fast!!"

Poe pressed a few buttons, turning the TIE fighter on. It hummed to life,

and he pushed it forward. Only problem was, it didn't seem to be

budging!

"Whoops!" Said FN. "...completely forgot about the tow cable!"

The leek climbed out of the back,

and quickly unhooked the cable. Poe then started the TIE fighter and zoomed out of the base. From within, FN and Poe fired blasts at oncoming TIE fighters. Poe was teaching FN how to fire blasters and at one point, he made an absolutely perfect shot.

"DID YOU SEE THAT?!!" Exclaimed FN. "And they said we couldn't hit anything!"

"Yeah!!" Exclaimed Poe. "So, you got a name or what, champ?"

"It's FN-2187." Said FN.

"Woah there little buddy!" Said Poe. "That's a lot of numbers. You'll need a new name if you're gonna be with us. FN, huh? I'm gonna call you Finn."

"I love it!!" Exclaimed Finn.

Finn and his new friend continued to annihilate TIE fighters. Unfortunately the ship was shot, and the two began to plummet onto Jakku. The remaining TIEs that shot them went back to report to the mothership.

\--

\--

"Sir?" Said Captain Phasma. "Like, The TIE fighter has crashed on

Jakku. Whomever was flying that is

dead now. Like, dead dead? Like,

KA-BLAAAM dead? Like "auUUUGH IM DYING" kinda dead, y'know?"

"Wonderful..." Said Kabob.

\--

Finn awoke. All he could see was a blue sky and desert. He looked around, trying to find the gourd--there was nothing but a smoking wreckage of TIE fighter.

"...Poe?" He called.

There was no response. A loud explosion chucked Finn a few feet into the sand. Finn pulled himself out of the sand and tried to examine it a bit more.

Again, a louder explosion sent Finn flying even higher, and the sand

sucked the TIE fighter inside. Finn

breathed frantically, then he stopped.

"THAT SECOND EXPLOSION WAS KINDA UNNECESSARY!!!" He called, to some unknown source.

\--

"There is, like, a traitor in our midst." Said Captain Phasma.

Anger boiled in Kabob's brain. He

simply breathed and began to clam

down somewhat.

"Phasma, dear," he said. "May I be excused for a moment? I will return shortly."

Kabob gripped his knifesaber, and started to voraciously slice the ship's metallic walls. After doing this he walked back and looked through various articles until he found it. FN-2187 had mysteriously gone AWOL.

"Eh..." Said Kabob. "I'll voraciously kill him later. Got waaaaayyy too many executions on my mind right now." (Kabob was actually quite enraged, but he was trying not to show it).

A few officers stared at the Sith Lord's strange habit as he walked away.

"...like, he did the same thing last week when we were out of coffee." Phasma whispered to an officer.


	4. Meeting with a giant pickle

Back on Kabob's room on the ship, instead of throwing another tantrum, Kabob decided the best thing to do was consult the Supreme Leader. General Chux, a strip of meat (also his best friend and the top Imperial Officer) accompanied him.

The Supreme Leader was called many things by Sith Lords, such as Goliath or that Really Big Guy, but

his true name...was Snoke.

"O supreme leader Snoke..." Said Kabob, "Awaken, and guide me with the almighty power that is the Dark Side, O supreme leader Snoke..."

Just then, the hologram came on, and there was Snoke: an enormous, ancient, monstrously tall pickle sitting on a chair.

"Y'know, ya don't have to call me dat, little buddy...we're friends."

"Oh, sorry, Snokey." Said Kabob.

"It's okay. I have somethin' for you, my follower..." Said Snoke.

"Ooh! A present?! Gimme gimme gimme! IS IT A SPACE PUPPY?!"

He tossed with a non-existent hand,

the smoldered remains of Darth Verdura's helmet.

A deep reminder of the great Sith Lord of the past for the First Order.

Kabob Ren gave a loud and obvious

gasp.

"Alas, poor Verdura, I wanted to know him." Kabob mused.

"A fellow of infinite Jedi-murdering, of planet destroying he was." Said Chux.

Kabob held the helmet to his face

and kissed it.

"Where be your Bad Side, your Lite Vinaigrette-chokings on Sith hating philistines, you're "I-Find-Your-Lack-Of-Faith-Disturbing's?!" Chux, tell me something."

"Uh...he was a good man?" Said Chux.

"OH, HE WAS A GREAT MAN!!"

"Yes yes," said Snoke. "But der is something I wanna tell ya."

Kabob removed his helmet, revealing his acne-covered facial features and dark-green leaves.

"I'm listening..." He said in his normal, non-apparatus-y voice.

(Cue dramatic score)

"There has been an awakening, in da Lite Vinaigrette...

have you felt it?" Sighed Snoke. "De

Dark, and De Light..."

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

"Yeah, well..."

(Record scratch)

"That's funny, cause all I've been hearing lately is," Kabob inhaled, "DESTROOYYY ALLL SAAANND, DESTROY THE SAAAANNNDD!!"

"HAVE. YOU. FELT. IT." Said Snoke, sternly.

"Yeah, but the san--"

"BUT NOTHING, ABOUT DE SAND!!!" Exclaimed Snoke. "YOU WANNA BE LIKE YOUR GRANDFATHER, YOU GOTTA

THINK LIKE YOUR GRANDFATHER!!"

"Uh, say what?"

"YOUR GRANDFATHER DESPISED SAND JUST AS HE DESPISED THE JEDI: WITH A PASSION!! HOWEVER, YOU, FREQUENTLY PARTAKE IN THOSE WEIRD LITTLE TOUCH THERAPY PROGRAMS AND ZEN CLASSES WHERE DEY RAKE DE SAND LIKE LEAVES!!!"

"You realize you said nothing about the sand...and yet you talked about sand-related activities..." Squeaked Kabob.

"Your point is?"

"DE POINT IS, MY YOUNG LIEGE..." Snoke's big, loud voice nearly blew Chux and Kabob away. "IS DAT IN ORDER FOR YOU TO HATE DE JEDI AND ONE DAY RULE DE GALAXY,

YOU MUST START SMALL--LIKE

HATING DE SAND!!! DE BASE

UNVEILING IS IN TREE DAYS, YOU

GOT DAT TIME TO PROVE TO ME YOU CAN HANDLE DIS RESPONSIBILITY."

"You're right..." Said Kabob.

"'YOU'RE RIGHT?!' ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!! DAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOUR GRANDPA SAID BEFOE HE DIED AT DE HANDS OF YOUR WRETCHED JEDI UNCLE!!!!"

Snoke stamped the ground, the force of his non-existent foot sending Kabob and Chux into the air, then they both went back down. Kabob was about to say something when Chux covered his mouth.

"O-KAAAAAYYY!!" Yelled Chux. "Wow, dramatic pausing and musing and death and such sure are fun!!"

He pushed Kabob out the door and blocked it.

"We're gonna go out and get some donuts, uh, if you want any, juuuuust say so!"

Chux slammed the door.

"Oooh! They got this really awesome one that's bubblegum

flavored! You want that?...yes?...no? How bout the blueberry creme filled one?"

——————-

Meanwhile, things looked bleak for Finn. He looked around at the wreckage, surrounded by an endless sea of sand. The life of

poor Poe Dameron had been taken, he assumed, therefore, the best thing to do was try to find a village--a settlement, SOMETHING!

Finn removed his boiling, constricting Stormtrooper's outfit and put Poe's jacket on. He hopped...and hopped...and hopped for miles and miles, yet Finn seemed to be getting nowhere!

Finn wheezed, then climbed to the top of a large, mountainous sand

dune.

Finally, after all this time, he saw a VILLAGE!! He whooped and flung himself off the sand dune, rolling

and bumping his head on rocks, but

he didn't care!


	5. Rey

Within a wreckage of Star Destroyers and X-wings from the heyday of the Galaxy, a stranger clad in an outfit of a desert scavenger descended down on a rope.

The stranger looked around, and grabbed a few things of some value on the Galactic Black Market, then climbed back up. Upon exiting the

wreckage, the stranger removed

its cloak, revealing a young, female carrot in her late 20's. The carrot loaded all her findings onto a uniquely constructed speeder. She

jumped on it, and started it up.

Through the desert she went, until she reached her village. Lots of people and other alien species crowded this village, buying essential items in the marketplace, in order to survive another day in this harsh desert environment.

The carrot grabbed her bag of items, and walked through the marketplace. She stopped at a small stand.

"Unkar," she said. "I'm back."

An ugly, blob-fish/gourd type alien turned around, holding an antique MSE-6 droid. This was Unkar.

"What've yeh got fer me tah-day, Rey?" Asked Unkar to the carrot.

"Let me show you."

Rey placed the items on the table,

two alien women showed up, ogling her finds.

("Oh, em, gee!! Like, is that a Rebel Soldier blaster?!") Said the first one in an alien dialect.

("Shut. Up. That is SO zero BBY! I,

like, want it!!") Said another.

"Keep yer' ands' offa the merch unless you're buyin' somethin'." Said Unkar.

"GASP!!" Exclaimed one of the females. One of them snapped

and another did an obscene 'hand gesture'.

("BYE FELICIA!!") said the other as they walked away.

("Poor girl gotta live with a #straight-upavag like that.")

Rey walked a short distance back to her home after the sun started to go down, getting her usual half portion rations from Unkar.

Her home, was actually the rusting head of an AT-AT. From where one in the Empire would usually enter, was Rey's front door. The rest of the machinery within the AT-AT was cleared out and sold, leaving Rey with room to store her necessities and personal items.

Rey had finished cooking her food portions and walked outside. She sat down on the warm sand, and started to eat.

The beautiful orangish-purple

skies cast shadows of dead trees on the desert sands, and the villagers were about to sleep for the night, as indicated by the dim lights from afar.

Rey decided it was time to sleep for her, as well. Just as she was about to go inside...

"(WEEEOOO! EEBLELELEEP!!)"*

Rey looked around.

There was no mistaking that was clearly the sound of a droid in distress!

She ran across the desert until she saw a little pea riding some desert creature. In the pea's net, was a small, orange droid.

"(HEY SHORT STACK!!)" she called to the pea in a foreign alien language. "(DROP THE DROID!!)"

"(I don't think so, sista!!)" the pea

called back.

"(DROP HIM RIGHT NOW OR ILL TELL UNKAR!!)" yelled Rey.

"(ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!!)" the pea released the little droid from its net.

Rey pulled out a knife and cut the ropes, freeing her new friend.

"Don't mind him." She said. "Teedo just wants you for parts...your antennae's broken..." said Rey, examining the droid. "Here, I'll fix it."

Rey picked up the droid, and pulled its antennae out, straightening it.

When she finished, she placed the droid back down and started to walk away. But this droid quickly rolled alongside her, beeping "thank you"s every second.

"Town is that way," said Rey. "Watch out for anything scary...believe me there's a lot of things like that out here.."

Rey continued walking. GG-8 looked back and gave a sad beep. Then, he ran up to Rey. Rey was slightly annoyed at first--she had clearly told him to go.

"Alright...I guess you could stay...but just for tonight."

GG-8 beeped excitedly yet again, and rolled in the sand around Rey, making a heart shape.

"So, where are you from?" Asked Rey. GG-8 beeped.

"Classified?" Asked Rey. "Me too."

Rey and GG-8 walked across the sands.


	6. The GREAT ESCAPE! PART DEAUX!

The next day, a practically dying Finn finally approached the marketplace.

"Water...Water..." Finn moaned as he crawled. He stood He ran about the market, trying to find someone with water.

In the desert, however, water was scarce, and the people would reply with 'No Water' to Finn.

Finn then saw his only way of getting water: from a trough where an enormous, hippopotamus-like creature was slowly sipping. He drank some water, it was boiling hot, then it slowly became cool in his mouth. The hippo then pushed Finn to the sand.

Unbeknownst to Finn, Rey and GG-8 were watching. GG-8 beeped something to Rey, and she started to run towards him. Finn gasped, and with what little strength he had, ran from her.

Eventually, Rey caught up to Finn, (GG-8 in tow) and knocked him to the ground with her staff.

"WHO ARE YOU?!!" She yelled. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIS MASTER?!!"

"...I'm sorry—what?" Said Finn. He coughed up some dirt and sand.

"His Master..." Said Rey. "Poe Dameron, a Resistance fighter. You stole his jacket and killed him."

"I didn't kil--wait, you can understand him?!" Exclaimed Finn.

"Of course." Said Rey. "I've lived

among droids all my life."

Rey looked back.

Conversing with a few aliens were two Stormtroopers!

They looked at Finn and started

walking closer. Finn, Rey, and GG-8 gasped.

"Oh, no.." Said Rey.

She took Finn's arm and the three went into a tent.

"WHO, ARE YOU WITH?!! You're a Resistance fighter, aren't you?" She

asked Finn.

"Uh..." Finn struggled. Would she believe him? "Uh, ye-yeah, I'm--

I'm with the Resistance, I've always been with the Resistance, the

Resistance is good!"

Rey looked at Finn.

GG-8 gave a questioning beep.

Finn smiled awkwardly, and ran towards some supplies.

"Listen, we gotta get outta here." Said Finn, gathering some things in a satchel.

"Why is that?" asked Rey.

"I'm kind of a big deal in the Resistance, and they might want to

capture me." Said Finn.

"Who are they?" Asked Rey.

At that moment, little GG-8 rolled in, and frantically started beeping. Rey and Finn looked outside the tent, and saw thousands of First Order star destroyers blasting parts of the

market!

"...oh..." said Rey.

Rey and Finn ran from the marketplace, followed by little

GG-8. They hid behind a cactus,

trying to not get poked, and looked.

Right in front of them, was a shipyard with a lot of various

spacecrafts. In front of it were those same two Stormtroopers from earlier.

"How're we gonna get past them?" Asked Finn.

"Leave that to me!" Said Rey.

Rey pulled GG until he became rather stretched out. She then inflated him until he was perfectly balloon-like.

"GRAB ON!!" She yelled.

Finn grabbed Rey's non-existent hand, the two ran until the wind picked up GG-8. Rey and Finn looked down and whooped at how high they were going.

"SEE YA, SUCKAS!!!" Yelled Finn.

"HAHAAA!!" Laughed Rey.

Suddenly, a loud POP was heard. Rey and Finn plummeted to the

ground, with GG-8 sticking to the

ground in sheets of sticky, chewed gum. Rey grabbed GG-8 and molded him back to his normal solid shape. Then, the three quickly ran into the shipyard.

"Can you fly a ship?" She asked Rey.

"Yes." Said Finn. "Let's go to that

one!" He pointed to a miscellaneous

ship.

"No," said Rey. "That one's garbage."

Rey, Finn, and GG-8 were about to board another ship, when someone blew the nice, brand-new starship to smithereens. They looked at each other, then at GG-8.

"The garbage will do!" Yelled Rey.

The "garbage ship" in mind, was no ordinary ship. It was the scratched-up, constantly re-shined Millenium

Falcon--the same hunk of junk that transported Bob Solo and Chewlotsa. Rey and Finn entered

the ship, followed by GG-8. Finn looked out the window and screamed.

Stormtroopers were slowly coming!

"Start the ship!!" Exclaimed Finn. "START IT WOMAN!!"

"I'M TRYING!!" Yelled Rey. "Some bloke put a boot on the Hyperdrive--unless we wanna go fast we're gonna have to take

on these guys first!"

"Okay..." said Finn. "Let's do this."

The ship rotated to the side, causing Finn to fall down various rooms, until he landed perfectly in the seat of where the gatling guns were. Finn looked at the controls and knitted his eyebrows, smiling. Because of his little flight with Poe, he knew exactly how to fire this thing--it was somewhat like the TIE fighter!

Together he and Rey blasted TIE fighters and zoomed through the canyons and remains of machinery.

Poor GG-8 held on to the walls using his grappling hooks and tried to stay on--his gyroscopic structure only made him roll about even more.

Finally the last TIE fighter was blown to cinders. Finn and Rey whooped and moved back from the gatling guns, congratulating each other.

"That was amazing!" Said Finn. "Did you see that shot?"

"Oh yes I did--BRILLIANT!!" Replied Rey.


	7. Solo no Mo’!

Just then, a loud hissing was heard. Finn looked back, Rey turned around as well.

"Oh, great." Said Rey. "A gas leak." Rey ran down into the hatch where the leak originated. She looked back up at Finn. "Hand me a wrench, please!" She called.

Finn handed her the wrench and Rey continued to work. Finn looked at GG-8.

"Listen, GG," he said, "Don't tell Rey but I'm actually not with the--er, it's a long story--anyway, you need

to tell her where your base is!"

GG-8 beeped.

"Sorry, I don't speak droid." Said Finn. "Hey, Rey! Is this stuff

dangerous in any way?"

"Tell me, Finn, do you want to live?" Rey looked at him.

"Er..." Finn knew when he was beaten. "Y-yes."

"Then help me please!" Said Rey.

"It's highly toxic so we have to move

quickly."

Rey turned a few knobs, pressed a few buttons, re-wired a few things,

and the gas line was fixed.

Suddenly the ship started to rumble.

Finn tried to move the ship, but it was no use. The ship was stuck in a tractor beam. They hadn't any choice but to get pulled in. Rey and Finn listened. The sounds of thumping, non-existent feet could be heard.

"Stormtroopers!" Exclaimed Rey.

Just as she, GG-8, and Finn were

about to hide somewhere, Finn stopped her.

"Wait. Stormtrooper's masks can't filter all types of gasses. If this gas line you fixed up is highly toxic," said Finn. "Maybe you could un-fix the gas line."

"That's brilliant!" Said Rey. "Let's do it."

Rey and Finn removed the gas pipe and let it start to fill the area. Then she and Finn put on gas masks. Finn unlocked the trapdoor and went down. Rey pushed GG-8 to Finn. She looked away and poor Finn was crushed by little GG-8. He picked up the surprisingly heavy droid.

"...he's HEAVIERTHANHELOOKS!!" Exclaimed Finn as he handed GG-8 to Rey.

Rey placed GG-8 on the floor. Finn closed the trapdoor as soon as he heard footsteps.

"Brace yourselves." Said Finn.

Finn and Rey waited. The door opened, and a familiar, now slightly older tomato and Wookiee gourd

stepped into the ship. The Wookiee growled excitedly, the tomato laughed and nudged him.

"Chewie..." panted the tomato. "We're home.."

Chewlotsa, Bob's faithful Wookiee, growled in agreement. Chewie and Bob started to walk around the Falcon.

"Hmm..." said Bob, looking at a few

photos of Unkar. "Eeeww...Don't

remember pics of 'chunky' bein'

here."

Chewie nodded. He looked, and saw a "sexy" pic of Unkar twerking,

and he quickly took it off the wall and blasted it.

"WHAT TH--" exclaimed Bob in another room. "WHO RE-ARRANGED MY CERAMIC PILGRIM RABBITS?!! AND WHY IS THE TOILET AND SINK CLOG--oh, right, we don't have a bathroom. IM' STILL MAD ABOUT THE RABBITS THOUGH!!"

"Maybe we can get out before he sees us." Said Finn.

"Let's do it." Said Rey. She quickly

twisted a knob, turning off the gas line.

Rey and Finn opened the hatch

with a loud *"CREEEEK!!!"*

Bob turned around slowly.

Bob and Chewie's eyes widened.

"AAAAAAUGH!!!!" Exclaimed Bob. He moved back and crashed into some boxes. Bob looked up and aimed his blaster at these weird newcomers. "okay...can you guys just be calm and tell me WHAT THE TAUNTAUN NUTS IS GOIN' ON!!???!!"

"PLEASEDONTKILLUS!!!" Exclaimed

Finn. "WE DIDN'T KILL YOUR

RABBITS...er, whatever you were mad about!!"

"What are you doing on this

ship?" Asked Rey.

""This" ship?!" Replied Bob. "This

ol' gal's MY ship."

"Oh, we're sorry!" Said Rey. "We were trying to get away

from some guys back on Jakku."

"Jakku..." said Bob. He put his blaster away. "Well, I won't kill you, but Chewie and I are gonna drop you off at the next inhabited planet we find."

"NO!" Said Finn. "This is important!!"

"Wait..." said Rey. "His name is Chewie...Sir, are you Bob Solo?"

"I used to be, kid.." said Bob, re-

arranging his rabbits and blowing dust off of them. "I used to be. Since the incident, I've gone back to my old profession--smuggling."

"But sir?" Said Rey. "Aren't you the one whose ship went insanely fast--"

"On the Kessel Run from zero to hyperspace in 12 parsecs?" Said both of them.

"Wait, it was actually 14 parsecs." Said Rey.

"It was 12!!!" Bob called. "14..." he muttered to himself.

"Well, however many there were you are that guy!!" Exclaimed Finn.

"The guy that transported Leia Organic, those droids, not to mention Cuke Skywalker and Pa Kenobi!"

"Sheesh." Said Bob. "You kids today with your fancy starships, and your non fat frozen yogurt, and your ear-bleeding rap music. Why do you know so much about me when

you could've looked it up on your...your whatchamacallits, your "I-stuff" or somethin."

"Because we're trying to find Cuke." Said Rey.

"Finn here is with the Resistance, so is GG-8, and in order to stop the First Order from taking over the Galaxy, we must deliver the map that GG-8 has to the Resistance. Show him." She pushed GG-8

closer to Bob.

Little GG-8 stuttered a bit, then opened his flash drive compartment. The room was instantly lit up in a greenish

glow. Bob opened his mouth wide in

surprise, for right in front of him, was galaxies, star systems, everything all completely accurate before him. GG-8 closed the map, leaving Bob awestruck.

"Holy smokes..." said Bob. "You're not such weird kids after all."

"Finally! THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING US!" Exclaimed Finn.

"Of course." Said Bob. "I knew Cuke...he was always so passionate about the Lite Vinaigrette. After we blew up that second Death Star, he had become devoted to training more Jedis. One of them, however, went to the Dark Side and killed every Padawan in his class, except for Cuke. Cuke...well, I don't know what he

was thinking at the time, but he just disappeared one day. And now,

thirty years later, here you kids are trying to find him with half a map!"

"So, the Lite Vinaigrette is true?" Asked Rey.

"Yep." Said Bob. "All of it."

Just then, a loud "BOOOM" was heard from a distance, followed by a roar. Bob gritted his teeth.

"Oh no..." said Bob. "It's them. They must want my Rathars."

"Who's them?" Asked Rey.

"There are RATHARS on this freighter?!!" Exclaimed Finn, terrified.

"Yep, Rathars." Said Bob. "Now you two go down to the hatch until I say so."

Finn and Rey obeyed.

"What about GG-8?" Asked Rey.

"He stays with me until they're gone. Come on, Ball." Bob looked at

GG-8. "Let's take care of them."

GG-8 rolled alongside Bob and

Chewie.

"Stay down." Said Bob to Rey and Finn.

He, Chewie, and GG-8 stood between two doors. Finn and Rey watched from below. The door opened on Bob's left side, revealing

a tall, elderly carrot and five others.

Another door on Bob's right side opened up with a tall zucchini and

his others.

"Bob Solo!" Yelled the carrot in a Scottish accent. "You're a dead

man..."

"Baala-Tik!" Bob yelled back. "How ya doin', buddy? Listen, I know I owe you and Tasu--y'know Kanjiklub, the Guacamole Death Gang and all

that, but I don't have the money right now!"

"Oh, gee, that's too bad..." said Baala.

Baala and Tasu's associates cocked their guns and pointed them at Bob and Chewie.

"...We're gonna take it from ye anyway." Said Baala. "And the

Gumball-unit, too." He looked at GG-8.

"You know what?" Said Bob. "This is gettin' boring--us talking business and stuff. How's your wife?"

"...I was never married..." Baala mumbled.

Meanwhile, from within the hatch, Finn and Rey contemplated on a

plan to get rid of the gangs.

"Say!" Said Finn. "I have an idea..." the leek and the carrot gazed at the hatch containing a Rathar, and smiled.

Rey and Finn opened the hatch, and the disgusting creature slithered out of its containment unit, feeling very hungry. One by one, as Tasu and Baala talked to Bob, each member of their respective gangs were taken by a slimy tentacle.

"That's it...I'm tired of...ahem,

negotiating'.." Baala yanked out a

blaster and cocked it. "Give us the

cash and the droid or you get it!!"

"Haha..." Bob stared back at Baala and Tasu. "You and what army.."

Tasu and Baala looked around. The members of their respective gangs

had strangely disappeared.

"WHAT'D YA DO THIS TIME, ROBERT?!!" Exclaimed Baala. "Do ye take us to be stupi-AAAAAAAAUGHH!!" The carrot was pulled behind the door by the same tentacle, followed by Tasu.

Rey pointed the flashlight into the containment unit again, and the rathar went inside.

She and Finn quickly closed the hatch, and sighed. The crew of Baala and Tasu became surprisingly scared for people of their status and ran away from their respective sides and flew off in their ships.

Once everyone was back inside the Falcon, Bob, upon removing the boot with Rey, activated the Hyperdrive.

"...ready...and PUNCH IT!!" He called to Chewie.

Chewie punched the Hyperdrive switch and the Falcon zoomed at light speed. Rey and Finn had to hold on to a few things at first, but they got the hang of it eventually.


	8. Maz Kanata

After a few hours our heroes had arrived on a beautiful planet called Tacodana. It was lush with foliage, it had enormous rivers with a few tall mountains here and there. When the Falcon landed on a stone clearing, Rey quickly jumped out to take in all the beauty.

"I never thought I'd see this much green in the whole galaxy..." she sighed as she watched little birds fly overhead.

"There's more planets like it than this one, you know." Said Bob. "You can look around, I'll be right back."

Bob started to walk away. He handed her a blaster.

"You know how to use these things, right?" He asked.

"Sure." Said Rey. "You just pull the trigger!"

"A lot more to it than just that." Said Bob. "You've gotta aim at whatever you're firing at."

Bob walked back inside the Falcon. Rey examined the blaster, it was perfectly silver, not like the black chrome one Bob had. Rey sighed. If

she had one of those back on Jakku, she could obtain food much

quicker!

Meanwhile, Finn approached Bob, who was looking in a mirror.

"Listen, Solo.." Finn started.

"Wait, excuse me...son, did you just call me "Solo"?!" Bob cut him off.

"Sorry..." the leek cleared his throat.

"Mr, Solo...if, say, a guy like me

wanted to get as far away from the First Order as possible--n-not like I'm with them or anything--who would I see?"

Bob raised an eyebrow. Finn smiled awkwardly.

"Sorry, kid..." said Bob. "In case you didn't know, the First Order's occupied practically every single planet in the outer rim and beyond ever since it was made from the Empire. Only place they probably won't discover you would be within a large asteroid or the mouth of a sarlacc!"

Bob laughed, much to the chagrin of poor Finn. Bob gathered the

remaining supplies, and he and Finn

left the Falcon and joined Rey. Bob

looked at her, started to hum a little, and leaned on a tree stump.

"Y'know, Rey..." said Bob. "I've been lookin' for someone to join my crew...can't be me and Chewie forever."

Rey thought, then she turned her back slightly.

"No, I can't." Said Rey. "My family...They're waiting for me back on Jakku."

"That's a shame..." said Bob. "Chewie was startin' to like you...come on!"

Finn, Rey and GG-8 all followed

Bob on a stone pathway which led to a large establishment with various flags on the sides. Droids and other creatures were coming in and out of the building--some more drunken than others.

"Maz has been runnin' this watering hole for eons--in that time she's really seen a lot of stuff, so maybe she could tell us somethin' about this map here." Said Bob. He stopped in front of the tall doors of the main entrance, then looked back. "Oh, and one more thing..."

Bob opened the door to the dark hallway in front of our heroes.

"Try not to stare at it."

"At what?" Asked Finn.

"...all of it." Bob opened the door and walked inside.

Finn and Rey looked at each other. GG-8 once again stuck out his

flame 'thumbs up'. They reluctantly walked inside.

From within the bar, music played and patrons conversed and drunk spirits. Bob gulped when he saw her.

Maz was a small, female grape wearing pants and a blouse, not to mention the huge goggles that gave her a "googly-eyed" appearance. She adjusted her goggles until Bob was in full view.

"BOOOOOOOOBBBBB SOLO!!!" Boomed the tiny woman.

Everyone immediately stopped what they were doing and looked at Bob and Maz. Bob gulped.

"H-hey Maz!" He called.

Maz walked up to him. The music

started again, and everyone went back to what they were doing.

"...where's my boyfriend?" She asked, sternly.

"Chewie's working on the Falcon." Said Bob.

"I like that Wookiee." Maz smiled. "Follow me. I know why you have come...by the way, you guys hungry? Don't worry about having

to pay anything--its on the house."

GG-8 idly stared at another droid.

"Come on, GG!" Rey called.

As GG-8 followed the rest, everyone seemed to notice him. They all started whispering amongst themselves.

("Alert the Resistance.") said a creature in an incomprehensible mechanical voice into his comlink. ("We have found the droid.")

Meanwhile, from across the room there was a female creature in line with the First Order. She was lying on another alien, presumably her boyfriend or husband, and picked up her comlink.

("Alert the First Order.") she said. ("We have found the droid.")

\--

\--

Maz had picked a table in the back, far away from all the riff-raff and the typical bar roughhousing. Everyone had to admit the food was relatively good--even Finn wanted to have a second order of chicken wings. Bob and Maz looked at each other, smiling.

"So, don't tell me..." said Maz. "Something with the Skywalker clan?"

"Yep." Said Bob. "Cuke's gone missing and--"

"I knew it!" Exclaimed Maz, slamming the table and sending a fruit bowl flying. "You are right back in the mess again!"

"Yeah..." Bob sighed. "Anyway,

Finn here wants to get away from it all (he gestured to Finn.), do you have any ideas on how he could do that?"

Maz thought to herself. She smiled.

"...let me see him first.."

"Oh boy..." said Bob. "You're in for a treat, son!"

Maz immediately jumped on the table and started crawling towards

Finn. She stopped, amidst awkward

silence, and adjusted her goggles to Finn's uneasy look.

"Uh..." Finn slowly backed away.

"...what's with the look?"

"If you live long enough..." Maz examined the leek. "You see the same eyes in different people.."

Maz adjusted her goggles more and looked closer.

"I see the eyes of a man who wants to run." She spoke. "You want to run

away from the fight..."

"What fight?" Asked Rey.

"The only fight." Said Maz. "The

fight that's been forever fought, as long as anyone can virtually

remember..."

"How did this all start?" Asked Finn. "All the killing and battling and such?"

"How does it begin?" Said Maz. "I will tell you..."

"In the beginning, there was always dark and ruin throughout the galaxy...until they came, and filled it with light again. Legend tells of a great Jedi, a chosen one, if you will, that would save the entire Galaxy from harm...he was fearless...he was intelligent, he was bold, he was strong...this Jedi would bring eternal protection to everyone for generations...now he is in exile, and those whom have forsaken us shall soon return...out for blood like ravenous wolves, with an insatiable urge to kill..."

"...and they are all being led by Darth Verdura, right?!" Said Rey.

"Oh, no.." said Maz. "They are not led by a half-man of machinery on the Dark Side who is easily seduced

back into the Light, rather, they are being led by a murderous psychopath bent on destroying all

that is good and just...Kab

ob Ren."

"Who's Kabob Ren?" Asked Rey.

"...you don't wanna know." Whispered Finn.

"Some say that he is no vegetable, but rather something entirely unknown to our non Lite Vinaigrette-sensitive minds..." spoke Maz. "Others claim that he has on his body what you might call an "eight-pack", that he is, "shredded." ...I do not even know what those words mean."

Maz continued to speak. Finn had ran off so that no one else would get suspicious that he happened to be with the First Order. Rey, after

Maz had finished speaking, walked away as well.


	9. Rey’s Vision

As Rey walked down the halls, she thought she heard someone talking. When she got close enough, it sounded like a child. Rey ran down the halls, until she traced the sound to behind a large door.

Expecting to find the child in question, Rey looked behind the door, to be greeted not by a small child, but by a wooden chest.

Strange writings were inscribed on the side, and the lock was pure galactic bronze. Rey inspected it

some more. There was no key, she noticed.

Rey opened the chest. Inside, was something she thought she'd never see in all her life...a lightsaber.

Slowly, she reached out for it. To reiterate, she had never seen a lightsaber, and yet something deep inside was

making her feel like she'd seen it before.

Rey touched the saber, and went into a strange state of mind. Visions of the past and future Jedis surrounded her. It was hard to tell if she was awake or sleeping, maybe

somewhere in between. Voices

also filled her mind. She saw Kabob

Ren kill the Jedis, then a familiar blue and silver astromech droid.

Something tall and green placed a non-existent hand on it.

"Live long, and prosper--"

"Great, is the power of the Lite Vinaigrette--"

"--I'm C-C-C-Cuke Sky--"

"These are--"

"--walker.."

"NO!!"

"Bob the Tomato.."

"..your first steps--"

"Yoga, I a-a-m.."

"NOOOOO!!"

"La-a-rry the Cucumber.."

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away--"

The next thing Rey saw was herself as a child, being forcefully separated from her parents. She

started to cry a little, she wanted to just to hold her child self and tell

her it would be alright.

"NONONONOO!!" Screamed child Rey.

"Quiet, girl!" Yelled a much younger looking Unkar.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS...

Rey opened her eyes. She found herself looking at Maz again. How did she see all that? She wondered.

"I see you know the truth..." Said Maz. "The ones you are waiting for, on Jakku..."

Rey breathed, heavily. Maz placed a non-existent arm around her.

"...they are not coming back."


	10. Siege on Tacodana

The elderly grape woman extended a non-existent hand with something metal in its grasp.

She placed it closer to Rey.

"This lightsaber..." She said. "Originally belonged to the uncle of Kabob Ren...and his uncle's father...and now, it calls to you."

Maz grabbed Rey's "hands" and

grasped them around the lightsaber. Rey shuddered.

"You must take it, my child..." Said

Maz. "I am no Jedi, but I know the Lite Vinaigrette...it flows through your veins...Feel the light, it will guide you..."

Rey pushed the lightsaber away.

"I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT THING AGAIN!!" She yelled.

Rey ran back up the stairs. She continued to run out of the bar and into the forest. All her life Rey had been running, trying to survive.

She just didn't think in all her years she'd end up in the crossfire of perhaps the biggest war the galaxy ever had. After a long while, Rey stopped to breathe. She looked around. The sounds of birds and other wildlife could be heard, along with ion engines rumbling. Rey heard footsteps approaching.

The familiar white armor contrasted that of the naturally green foliage.

Rey held her gun tightly in both her non-existent hands and aimed it at the Stormtrooper. The trooper looked at her, and before she could even say a word, she shot him. Rey looked down at the gun and smiled. She never felt this powerful before with a regular weapon.

Suddenly, another Stormtrooper appeared from the bushes and fired

his gun at her. Rey was not shot, however. She looked up, and found that little GG-8 had sacrificed himself for her.

"You came back..." said Rey. "For

me..."

GG-8 nodded, then gazed at the smoking hole that was now in his side.

"HAHAHA!!!" The Stormtrooper laughed.

GG-8 turned around and looked at the Stormtrooper. His one eye turned bloodshot red.

"What th-"

(Cue 'Miserlou')

The Stormtrooper gasped as GG-8 began to re-form himself, his chewy, orange-flavored goo filling in the hole the blaster had left. GG-8 pulled out a blaster from his compartment, and cocked it. Rey watched as the little droid gave a battle cry of *"rrrrRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAA!!!"* and rolled after the terrified Stormtrooper.

Rey chuckled.

No one was going to get that map,

now.

Just as she continued to walk, a red light appeared on her neck.Rey looked.

There, black suit, mask and all...was Kabob Ren. She slowly lifted and aimed her gun at him.

\--

\--

Meanwhile, Bob, Finn, and Chewie rushed down the stairs, following Maz.

"I knew this day would come..." she said. "The day when the entire galaxy falls to ruin. They most likely have won, now."

"OKAY, I'LL ADMIT IT!! I'LL ADMIT IT!!" Exclaimed Finn. "I'm with the FIRST! ORDER!--not the Resistance!! Please don't get mad--I HATE THE BAD GUYS, alright?! Being since they've made me do all

these STUPID AND ABSOLUTELY

POINTLESS killings, I wanted to

get the heck outta there!! "SCREW

THEM!!" I said, "I WANNA LIIIIIIVEE!!!" I'M SORRYYY!!!!!"

Maz, Bob, and Chewie all gave awkward glances at the poor leek.

They then raised their eyebrows.

"...apology accepted..." Maz opened the chest yet again, and pulled out the lightsaber. She handed it to Finn.

"Take this for safe keeping." She said. "You never know when it will be needed. When the time comes, you must use it."

Finn placed the lightsaber into his jacket's pocket. Some earthquake-like noise rumbled everything. Maz stood up and adjusted her goggles.

"Those beasts..." Maz sneered. "They're here..."

Finn, Maz, Bob, and Chewie looked outside.

Thousands of First Order ships were slowly descending onto Tacodana. Like a small rainfall, thousands of

Stormtroopers parachuted down

from the ships and proceeded to activate thermal detonators or kill

people.

"We gotta get out of here." Said Finn.

"Eh..." said Bob, yanking out his

blaster. "Who says we can't join the fight, first?"

Chewie pulled out his Wookiee bowcaster and growled.

"Don't go.." said Maz. "I love you.."

"*GrrrAAAAAAWrgh.." said Chewie, giving Maz a small peck on the cheek. "(*Sorry baby...I was born to be wild!)"

Chewie, Finn, and Bob proceeded to shoot and beat up pretty much every Stormtrooper there was.

Suddenly, a Stormtrooper yelled out to Finn, "YOUUUUU TRAITOR!!!"

The Stormtrooper grabbed a flamethrower and started making

some weird pelvic thrusts. Finn simply shot him in the head. As they

fought, more Stormtroopers came on First Order vessels. Now there were so many Stormtroopers that

they surrounded our heroes and

made them out their non-existent

hands up.

A lead Stormtrooper walked up in front of Bob. He was sneering under his mask.

"Bob Solo..." said the Stormtrooper. "The former General of the Resistance...I'm not surprised...The

First Order has been looking for you, old man...not to mention the droid, the girl, and you, TRAITOR!!" The Stormtrooper spat at Finn.

"Where is the droid?!" The Stormtrooper aimed his blaster at Bob.

Bob slowly moved away the gun, and cleared his throat.

"Look, pal, I've had just about as rough of a day as you, so if ya don't mi--"

"Well, SMART GUY!!" Exclaimed the Stormtrooper as he stuck his gun deeper into Bob's face. "I thought

you'd like to know that--"

"—PUUUUUULLLLPATINE SUCKS EEEEEGGS!!!!"

Everyone looked around, so did the officer. Someone chuckled in the background.

"Wow..." Finn laughed, sarcastically. "I had no idea he did."

"As I said previously--"

"...YIPPEE KAI YAAAAAAAAAYYY LOSEEERRRSSS!!!!!"

The officer was cut short. Finn clearly recognized that voice as he, Bob, and Chewie slowly began to put their non-existent hands down.

Sure enough, from across the lake, Poe Dameron was leading a squadron of X-wings. The X-wings circled the establishment location, blasting the TIE fighters and Stormtroopers by the second.

Bob, Finn, and Chewie joined the fight as well.

Just then, something caught Finn's eye. The leek was in total shock as he saw some Stormtroopers load

an unconscious Rey into a large, burlap sack. Finn began to run after the Stormtroopers, hoping to catch

them.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" He yelled.

"REEEEEYYY!!!!"

Unfortunately, Finn tripped on a large rock. Bob helped him to his feet, and started to comfort him.

"...I'm very sorry, bud." Said Bob. "I know how you feel..."

"Thank...you..." Finn panted.

At that moment the sounds of large Resistance ship could be heard. The ship docked, and Bob walked over and stood in front of the docked ship. The door opened.

There, in front of Bob was Leia. Her usually brown hair had become slightly white from age, and she had wrinkles, yet she still looked

very beautiful.


	11. Long-Lost Lenore, Lovely Leia

Bob started to reminisce all the wonderful moments they had in their lifetime. He walked closer, and was about to embrace her when--

"Goodness! Bob Solo!" Exclaimed a familiar voice.

It was Archie-p0.

Despite all this time he had still retained his golden color, but he was partially red.

"Hey, Professor." Said Bob, smiling

at the old nickname he'd given Arch.

"Mister Bob," said Archie-p0. "It is I, Archie-p0! You may not recognize

me with my red half, but I am still

the same protocol unit! Princess Le--"

"Arch..." Said Leia. "How many times must I tell you--I am ze woman formerly known as Princess. My "Purple Reign" has come to an end, if you recall."

"So?" Said Bob. "You'll always be a

princess to me.."

"Thanks..." Leia smiled, then Bob, Finn, Poe, Leia, Arch and Chewie all boarded the Resistance transporter ship.

Not only were they determined to save Rey, but to blow up the Base and save Kabob as well.

\--

X-wings and other ships hummed back at the Resistance base. Amidst all the people preparing for the battle ahead, a familiar-looking decorative gourd was busy talking to a few carrot and asparagus pilots.

"Yeah, and that's how I broke my pelvis--" Poe turned and noticed

Finn and GG-8.

"...holy banthas--FINN!! FINN LITTLE BUDDY IT'S ME!!" Poe started running towards Finn.

Finn turned around. His smile lit up, and GG-8 gave a happy squeal. The two of them ran to Poe.

"POOOOOEEEEE!!!!!" Exclaimed Finn.

Both gourd and leek embraced each other.

"You're alive!!" Exclaimed Finn.

"I wasn't dead, brother!" Replied

Poe. "I was just resting, y'know?"

At that moment, GG-8 beeped. Poe

melted over the sight of his droid

friend, and picked up the surprisingly heavy droid.

"Oh!" Exclaimed Poe, embracing GG-8. "Thank you so much for finding my darling little chicle!"

"Sure thing!" Said Finn. "Boy, you will not believe what I've been through to get here."

"Same here." Said Finn.

The meeting was starting, as indicated by all the members of the Resistance starting to gather. Finn,

GG-8 and Poe talked as they followed everyone. They crammed

their necks to see along with Rey,

Bob, and Chewie. Thousands of

soldiers, medics, officers, etc

crammed the base. In the center, was Mon Mothma, to her left and right, respectively, were Admiral Ackbar, a leek named Lt. Connix, some guy named Ello Asty, Biggs Lightflavor and Wedge Ant-hills.

"And now, General Leia "the woman formerly known as Princess" Organic." Introduced Admiral Ackbar.

Mothma and Ackbar parted so

that Leia could be in the middle. Leia looked around at everyone with a strong, yet dignified glance.

"Greetings, fellow Resistance members.." she spoke. "As you are

aware of, now is ze time to take action... Ze First Order is advancing quickly, exploding planets as we zpeak with ze power of the many

suns throughout the galaxy."

"It is imperative that we come up with a solution to this predicament..." said Connix. "Lives are on the line; the lives of good people like you and I that have no need to be controlled forever by the First Order. Are there any suggestions?"

Everyone started thinking and observing the hologram model. Bob, however, just leaned back and twirled his blaster around.

"We'll blow that thing to bits!" Exclaimed Bob. "It'll be just like the Death Star!!"

"No, this is entirely different. ...this," said Connix, showing a hologram of the old Death Star, "...was the Death Star."

Everyone's eyes went wide and a few people gasped as Connix unveiled an image of the Starkiller Base.

Large and intimidating, it seemed as though it took up an entire planet.

"This is the current Base!"

"Well, what if we could blow it up from somewhere within?" Asked Bob.

\--

Meanwhile, little GG-8 had rolled away from the meeting to see

someone. He stopped in front of a dome-shaped thing covered by a tarp. He bumped it, and the tarp fell off, revealing the legendary, ancient, yet snarky droid, R2-Pea2!

GG-8 always loved hearing R2's tales of "the Glory Days", and Arch, R2, and he would often sleep together. R2 would also stand up for GG-8 if he was being picked on by a larger droid, much like an older brother.

GG bumped him, beeped a little, but R2 was strangely shut off. Archie-p0 slowly approached GG.

"I'm very sorry, GG," he said, "but I haven't the slightest idea of when our dear friend will turn on..."

GG-8 gave a few sad beeps. He moved closer to Archie-p0, and

Arch raised his non-existent arms

around the droid, trying to comfort

him.

\--

"So, it has been decided." Said Mothma. "General Solo will lead Finn and Chewlotsa to the spot where they will activate the detonators. Any thoughts on this, Solo?"

Bob stood up and smiled. He would never waste a chance to relive the adventure he had in his youth.

"I am not throwing away my shot.." Said Bob, boldly. "We will go out

there, save the boy, the girl, and DESTROY. THAT. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPP!!!!!!"

"¡Viva la libre, mujeres y muchachos!" Exclaimed Poe.

The entire Rebel army erupted in cheers. Men were chest pumping,

and some of the women were as well! Some guy even took a Darth

Verdura doll and ripped its head off.

"Very well!" Said Mon Mothma. "YOU HEARD THE MAN!! LET'S GO!"

Rebels everywhere, vegetable and alien alike were prepping the X-wings. They grabbed their pilot's uniforms and helmets.

Bob Solo was about to board the Falcon, when Leia stopped him. He sighed, and looked at her.

"Don't go..." Said Leia. "What about us?"

"What do you mean, 'us'?" Asked Bob.

"You remember ze wedding.." Said Leia. She showed Bob a picture of their marriage on Endor. "Eet was so romantic, yes?"

"Mm-hmm!" Sighed Bob. "...that

cake.."

"Ze bouquet..."

"The Bachelor Party..."

"And ze honeymoon on Coruscant..." Replied Leia. "Eet was just you and I, toge-zer forever..."

"Wait!" Said Bob. "If you're implying that I stay, then NO!! I have to do

this, dear!"

"No you don't!!" Exclaimed Leia. "When I was pregnant with our son, I had no idea zhis would happen!"

"Oh but it DID!!" Exclaimed Bob. "He gets it from YOUR side of the family!"

"No. I sink eet was ze buffalo hot wings I was craving." Said Leia. "Dear, Verdura loved buffalo hot wings!"

While they continued to fight, some people walked by and giggled. The slight feud between Leia and Bob went way back, and to them, hearing something like that now was considered legendary.

"Awww!" Said a Rebellion officer. "They're having a spat!"

"How cute!" Said another.

"AND FURZERMORE I--"

Leia's speech was muffled as Bob started to kiss her. Bob dipped Leia, who'd fallen under the charm of his kiss. Leia sighed.

"Leia, babe..." Said Bob. "If this relationship is gonna work out...I gotta go drag our whiny emo punk son's butt away from the Dark Side..."

Bob leaned in and kissed Leia. A few members of the Resistance walked by and started taking photos.

"Facebook!" Shouted one.

"Snapchat!" Said another.


	12. The Party

"OHHHH!!!

OHHHHH!!!!

ALL THE

SHAWTYS IN

THE CLUB,

(Lemme see ya

just)

BACK IT UP

DROP IT DOWN,

(Lemme see ya

just)

GET LOW N

SCRUB THE

GROUND

(Lemme see ya

just)

PUSH IT UP,

PUSH IT UP

(Lemme see ya

just)

Wobble, baby,

Wobble, baby,

Wobble baby,

Wobble yeah..."

A large, semi-formal party was

taking place in the midst of the planet. That planet just so happened to be owned by the First Order, and the entire thing had been converted into a huge, planet-exploding base in the vein of the Death Star.

Normally, everyone would be at work on the enormous thing, but not today.

Today, was the Grand Unveiling of the Base to the public.

A large stage had been set up in front of everyone, with a dance floor. To the left and right were natural hot spring pools, and in the middle was a three-course five-star buffet table along with other outdoor restaurants.

Stormtroopers everywhere had removed the helmet portions of their uniform and wore bow-ties and skirts.

Kabob and Chux were sitting at a table in 'First Order Vendetta De Resistenza Ristorante Italiano' a hastily assembled yet very elegant outdoor restaurant, conversing over salad, breadsticks, and a large plate of garlic spaghetti.

"And then she's like, "..mayo? I said Hey-yo!"." Chux laughed.

"That's HI-LARIOUS, MAN!!" Replied Kabob.

"Y'know.." Said Chux. "I honestly didn't think we'd get this far--what,

you being a Jedi-gone-killer, and me liking bo--er, other people, and all."

"I know." Said Kabob. "Since I've

been under the tutelage of the Supreme Leader, everything seems

to be going swimmingly."

"You gonna eat that?" Asked Chux, eyeing a large meatball and some extra spaghetti on Kabob's plate.

"Nope." Said Kabob. "I'm stuffed."

Chux had already polished off three

breadsticks, two plates of spaghetti and meatballs and a side of salad, yet he managed to eat Kabob's leftover dinner.

"Woah! For a skinny dude you really eat a lot!"

"I just have--" Chux chewed the meatball and moaned, letting the heavenly-tasting juices smother his taste buds. "I just have a high metabolism." He swallowed.

Just then, the waiter showed up, and took their finished plates.

"Your-a specially made-a cherry flavored self-portrait-a gelato will-

a be-a ready in a few-a moments, Signore Ren-a." Said the waiter, doing a rather bad Italian accent. "Say, aren't yous-a supposed-a to be-a gettin' ready for you big-a speech-a?"

"Oh my gosh!" Said Kabob. "I completely forgot!" He leaned to the side. "Argh! I gotta come up with a speech and everything..."

Just then, a bunch of waiters arrived with an enormous bowl of cherry gelato sculpted to look exactly like Kabob. A tall leek wearing a tuxedo was in between them.

"OHHHH LA DONNA É MOBIL--"

Kabob raised his knifesaber and splattered the Italian ice cream

everywhere.

"Oh, my gosh..." He said, realizing what he'd done. "I'm so sorry.." He grabbed a few black napkins and handed them around, also he started cleaning it off the waiter's faces and Chux's face. "I need to

calm down..."

"That's okay." Said Chux. "Why don't you take a dip in the hot springs? I'll cover the speech for ya."

"Thanks, Chux." Said Kabob. He walked to the hot springs. "YOU'RE A PEACH!"

"S'cuzzi, Signore Chux.." Said the waiter. "He no want-a the gelato?"

"Um..." said Chux. "Actually, he does want it, we'll just take...whatever's left..to go..."

———————————

(Calypso music plays)

Kabob jumped into the hot springs, letting the nice warm water soak

his body.

He sighed.

Being the main man in charge of thousands upon thousands of employees was not all that's cracked up to be. He had absolutely zero time to take a load off, what, with overseeing the new recruits and all the paperwork, not to mention that one five year old that

wanted him to make a special

appearance for his birthday party.

A rather large gourd heaved himself into the spring, crushing Kabob slightly, then commenting on how there was "way too much water." Kabob was still undeterred.

"Ey yo yo yo 'Ka-Bob Ren-and-Stimpeyyyyy'!!!!!!" Said a rather streetwise Stormtrooper in the pool. "WAZZUP HOME SLICE?!"

"Hey, Jimmy!" Replied Kabob. "Wazzup?"

"Oh, just chillin'." The Stormtrooper took off his helmet. "Say, don't mean to be nosy, but you ever thought about getting a Mrs. Ren?" He asked.

"No..." said Kabob. "...never thought about that."

"Well, you wanna have an heir so

that the legacy of dark can keep

goin'! --that's some deee-licious seafood you have on the menu by the way--but before you do anything drastic, you simply must know what is in for the wife

season!"

"Yeaaahhh..." said Kabob. "Papa's ready to do him some wife-catchin'!"

"That's the spirit!" Said Jimmy.

"Tell me what I'm huntin' for..." said Kabob, moving closer to Jim and

splashing the water a little.

"Okay, here it comes...Brits." Said Jimmy.

"Brits are totally in. Sure, they can be kinda fussy and uptight, but once you get em' in line like a box of earl grey--they'll be all over ya!"

"Thanks for the tips, man." Said Kabob.

"No prob." Said Jimmy. "Anything

for my boss! Oh! Look, it's starting."

All Stormtroopers turned to the front. Captain Phasma was in front of the stage, flanked by five Imperial Officers.

(Cue "Everybody dance now", CC

Music Factory)

"Good evening!!" Exclaimed Captain Phasma. "Like, welcome one and

all to the unveiling of STARKILLER

BAAAAAAAAAASSE!!"

Everyone cheered.

"And now everyone," said a Stormtrooper. "Let's give it up for the one, the only, the ginger, GENERAL FRANCIS BARTHOLOMEW CHUX!!!!!"

(Music stops)

Chux walked up from behind the curtain, amidst scattered applause.

Everyone thought Kabob was going to speak, then shrugged.

Chux stood in the middle of the stage. He looked at everyone who was eager to listen, and cleared his throat.

"HELLO EVERYONE!!!!" Boomed Chux. "I, ON BEHALF OF KABOB REN AM VERY GLAD THAT YOU COULD BE HERE TODAY TO

WITNESS HISTORY IN THE MAKING!!!!!"

Everyone broke into riotous chants of "YEEEAAHH!!!"

"TODAY, MARKS THE END OF THE

REBELLION!!!!! THE END OF THE MYTH OF CUKE SKYWALKER, BOB SOLO, AND LEIA ORGANIC!! WITH

THIS WEAPON, WE SHALL OBTAIN TOTAL CONTROL OVER THE GALAXY, WITH ABSOLUTELY NO

ONE TO STOP US!!! WHEN IT COMES TO HISTORICAL

SIGNIFICANCE, THIS EVENT WILL

BE COMPARED TO THAT OF WHEN

LORD VERDURA WAS RULER, AND

IT WILL TRULY BE A GLORIOUS

DAY!!!"

The crowds cheered. Kabob whooped.

"That's my best friend right there!" He told a Stormtrooper.

From on the stage, Chux inhaled. He exhaled, then continued to

speak. "...WE WILL NEVER BE IN LINE WITH THE LIGHT SIDE AGAIN, FOR WE ARE, THE FIRST ORDER, AND OUR FIRST ORDER, WILL BE INTERGALACTIC DOMINATION!!!!!!"

The crowd cheered.

"...WITH A SIDE OF VICTORYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!"

Kabob Ren continued to watch from the hot springs. Just then, inside his clothes his cell phone started ringing its usual ringtone of a chiptune Imperial March. Kabob picked it up.

"Hello?" He said.

~~~"Junior?! ROBERT SOLO JUNIOR, VHERE ARE YOU?! YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK FOR YEARS AND IF YOUR NOT COMING HOME FOR TACO TUESDAY SO 'ELP MOI I

WILL--"~~~~

"MOTHER!" Kabob force-screamed into the phone. "This is NOT the best time!"

Kabob opened his eyes and started to calm down. One by one, thousands of Stormtroopers heard the shouts and started to laugh a little.

Then, all was silent.

A Stormtrooper broke that silence with a loud cry of "Not so bad now are ya, 'Bob, Junior'!!?'"

Kabob's composure shattered as the laughter of thousands of Stormtroopers roared through the atmosphere. Even General Chux couldn't help but bust a gut as well. Kabob took out his lightsaber, ran out of the hot spring to that Stormtrooper who called him "Bob Junior", and 'shishkebobed' him.

Kabob turned to the army, half-naked, panting, sweat pouring down his acne-riddled face.

"ANYONE ELSE WANNA SAY SOMETHIN' ABOUT ME?!!" He called.

The Stormtroopers abruptly stopped laughing. Chux smiled and started clapping at the impaling his leader had done.


	13. All About That Base, No Rebels

The wind whipped around like it had steel embedded within it.

White frost covered everything, and getting inside a Taun Taun's body wouldn't make one feel warmer. Off the side of a mountain, four shadows were trekking closer.

"...ARE WE THERE YET?!" Yelled Finn.

"We GET THERE, WHEN WE GET THERE!!" Grumbled Bob.

"I'm just saying, How d'ya get used to this awful weather!?!" Said Finn.

"Well, pal, you're a Stormtrooper, right? You guys can handle anything!" Replied Bob.

"The suits we wear are made of MUCH thinner material than you think!" Said Finn. "I've gotten the flu and colds a lot of times."

"You should be more like Chewie--develop a layer of fat."

Chewlotsa nudged him. He gave a rather angry roar.

"What?! I'm sorry bud, but I told you to go on that diet."

Finn walked around, until he bumped into a tree. He grasped a part of it.

"Oh, here's the door." He said. Finn opened the tree door, and he, Bob and Chewie walked in.

The room was warm, yet very dark. Bob pulled a light cord, and the room was illuminated in a black light. On the walls were posters of various punk death metal rock bands and other gothic decor.

"...that's our boy, alright.." Said Bob as he looked at a pair of Kabob's skull-patterned boxers.

"Eww..." Said Finn. "It's like 'Spencer's' and 'Hot Topic' had an ugly baby."

\--

\--

Meanwhile, the citizens of a planet looked at the enormous base blocking out the sun. On the First Order base, Chux led the Stormtroopers in a joyous chant.

(To the tune of 'the Mickey Mouse

March')

"Who's the

leader of the

Knights that sticks

with us till the

end?

K-A-B, O-B, R-E-

N!

Kabob Ren, Kabob

Ren..."

The Stormtroopers continued to chant. One Stormtrooper yanked out a "RENsketeer" mouse hat and put it on.

"I was a RENsketeer when I was a boy, what about you?" Asked the Stormtrooper to another one.

"Oh you know it!" Said his pal, pulling out the same hat. The Stormtroopers continued to dance

wildly and chant.

Kabob, for a moment was left to

oversee the base.

Chux walked out of a room on the base in a female Viking costume, putting on glittery blush.

Someone looked at him, that someone's partner nudged him and he looked away. Chux then applied some lipstick, making a slight kissing noise with his puckered lips. Then he spoke:

"...make it rain."

On cue, thousands of individual little red beams rained down from the hole, and blasted a planet to cinders. The base proceeded to blow up some more planets. Chux put on some sunglasses, along with everyone else.

"AHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!! Who can stop us now..."

he said, laughing maliciously.

"W H O?!!!!??!!?!"

\--

\--

Being the only female captain in an all male army had its disadvantages. People wolf-whistled, lost their train of thought while having a conversation, and they would frequently say the old pick-up line; "You want some FRIES with that SHAKE?".

What was worse than that was having to shower together and seeing how a bunch of males looked without clothing. Sure, they had females in the army, but they

were assigned to be nurses and

doctors.

Captain Phasma walked down the hallway, doing her usual patrol of

making sure there weren't any Resistance intruders. She heard a loud whistle.

"Oh, Phasy!!"

Phasma growled, then walked around the corner. She was then attacked by Finn, Bob, and Chewie.

Finn held a gun to Phasma's helmet, then cocked it.

"You, like, know I hate that nickname, FN-2187." Said Phasma.

"THE NAME, IS FINN." Said Finn, pushing his gun closer her head. "AND IM' CALLIN' THE SHOTS NOW, MISSY!! SO WHY DON'T YOU CAN IT, OR THAT BIG SILVER BUCKET YOU'RE WEARING'S GONNA HAVE TO GET BUFFED FOR

THE REST! OF YOUR! LIFE!!"

Finn turned to Bob.

"How's that?"

Bob and Chewie's expressions could care less.

"Tone down the sass factor, Big Deal." said Bob.

"Okay..." Said Finn, looking back at Phasma. "TELL US WHERE REY IS OR WE'LL TELL EVERYONE ABOUT YOU AND JIMMY!!"

"Like, you wouldn't dare tell everyone about TK-51337!" Said

Phasma.

Chewie, Bob, and Finn looked at her.

Phasma was then on a rope above a large cage. A large, clawed hand

appeared from within and made

scratches on the metal floor.

"OKAY!! OKAY!! LIKE, ILL TALK!!" Phasma jumped about.

"What was that?" Asked Bob.

"Oh, nothing.." said Finn, smiling. "Just a Rancor. It always works."


	14. Kabob in Love

"...coldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcooolllllllddd!!!"

A freezing and wet Kabob Ren entered the room, towel wrapped around his waist, and closed the door tight. He ran to the heater, and instantly started to warm up. Next, he put on his helmet and another one of his extra black colored robes.

"Sir?" Said a Stormtrooper, holding an enormous sack over his 'shoulder'.

"Yes?" Asked Kabob.

"We have found the girl." He tossed the bag to Kabob.

"Thank you." Said Kabob, grabbing the bag. "Clear the room, I wish

to see her."

"Yes, sir." Said the Stormtrooper, bowing, then exiting.

As soon as the door closed, Kabob dragged the bag to the center of the room. He then opened the bag.

"...WOAH."

"So true,

Funny how it

seems,

Always in time,

but never in line

for dreams..."

Kabob could only stare at how...surprisingly beautiful and alluring his female captive was. He removed his mask to get a closer look at her amazing features.

"Head over

heels when toe to

toe,

This is the sound

of my soul,

This is the

sound..."

She was amazing.

A perfect, strong, healthy, yet slim and sexy body.

An incredible face with beautiful eyes, red lips, slightly blushed cheeks, and an adorable nose.

Kabob wanted to marry her.

He wanted to marry her so bad that it made him incredibly nervous and he jumped away from the area.

Kabob just noticed that Chux arrived, somewhat wounded from the current, raging war.

He looked around, panting frantically.

"GE-NE-RAL CHUUUUXX!!" He called. "CHUX CHUX CHUUUUXXXXYY ol' buddy ol' pal--I NEED YOUR HELP."

"Yeah?" Chux reached a non-existent hand to the box of donuts

they had gotten earlier, and pulled

out a blueberry creme-flavored one. He took a rather large bite.

"There's a girl on board--even though she's WITH the RESISTANCE--she's real hot, I never ever ever ever like-liked a girl other than my mother, and I just want your advice." Said Kabob. "...y'know what I'm sayin', red?"

Chux swallowed the piece of donut he was chewing. He placed the rest

of it on a plate.

"Well..." He said. "You gotta kinda, er, act intimidating, but with some hints of classiness and dignity, that

way not only will she like you, but

also perhaps turn to the Dark Side."

Kabob listened a little, then he

paused. He looked at Chux.

"Wait...why am I taking advice from someone like you..." Said Kabob.

"...Mr. Dress-in-drag-every-Tuesday-night..."

Chux's expression became a slightly mad poker face.

"OHHHH!!!" Said Chux. "NOW THAT WAS JUST UNCALLED FOR!!!"

"You wanna go, 'Miss' Chux?!"

"Oh, you know it, pipsqueak!! Let's end this!"

"Ladies First!"

Just as both men were about to fight, Rey woke up.

Chux and Kabob quickly ran behind a pillar. Chux looked around, and

grabbed the rest of his donut. He also saw how incredibly attractive Rey was.

"Ah-Ah-ah, ah,

ah...

I know this, much

is true..."

"Go out there, Romeo." Said Chux. "She looks pretty hot. Enough to turn me straight..."

Chux started to move closer to Rey,

when Kabob stopped him.

"Yeah, but remember--she's MINE." Replied Kabob.

Kabob walked towards Rey.

Chux quickly grabbed another donut and put it on his nose like a carnival ring game. He then grabbed more donuts, seeing how many he could balance on his face.


	15. Killing Rey Softly With His Song

Rey briskly woke up and looked around.

The faint hums of the various machinery and bright red lights could be seen, and a terrible headache rippled through her head.

"Hello..." Said a gritty voice.

Kabob Ren was right in front of her.

He was studying her features, and trying to enter her mind.

"So," said Kabob, "Now that you're all settled in, tell me about the droid."

Rey hesitated at first, then looked at him.

"...don't be shy...talk to me, baby..."

Slowly, Rey blurted out;

"He's one of those...cute little Gumball-unit droids, he's orange and has a selenium drive, a thermal hubscap indicator, and within one of his compartments-"

"-he has a section of a navigation chart." Said both Kabob and Rey.

"Perfect.." Said Kabob. "Now, let's take a trip inside that mind of yours. We've been after that map for quite some time, and that droid just walked up and showed it to you, a scavenger of all people. Hold still, I'm going in."

"WHAT?!!" Said Rey. "GET OUT OF THERE!!" She slapped him.

Kabob whined, then started rubbing the dark red mark on his face. He did not get angry, as he still needed the image of the map. Kabob looked back at her.

"Believe me!" She said. "There are quite a bit of things I've seen that'll turn that ruby complexion of yours white!!"

"Does that mean you're gonna tell me what you saw?" Asked Kabob.

"OF COURSE NOT!!" Said Rey, loosening his Lite-Vinaigrette grip on her.

Kabob tightened his Lite-Vinaigrette grip, and started to choke Rey. Rey's neck became redder, and sweat poured down from her face. Still, she resisted his charm.

"Come on, Rey-Rey..." He said in a somewhat threatening voice. "Where's the ma-ap?"

"I'LL...NEVER...TELL!!!!"

His grip became tighter. Poor Rey continued to gag and suffer.

"GIVE IT TO ME!! What, AM I THE BIG BAD BOOGEYMAN TO YOU OR SOMETHING?!"

"Please...lemmegorightnow!!" Rey gasped with whatever breath she had left.

Kabob Ren moved back. He was slightly turned on by her cute little squeal of help. He chuckled, then

patted her head.

"Oh, your accent is so cute and prim and proper and...British-y! Like Mary Poppins! Just what I'd need in a future spouse!" Kabob squealed.

""British-y?!"" Exclaimed Rey. ""Future Spouse?!!" I beg your pardon, sir, but as someone of English heritage I am highly offended by your words, nor do I want to be your spouse. Besides! We just met!"

Kabob Ren chuckled slyly, leaving Rey incredibly confused.

"Oh, but my sweet, sweet little 'Rey' of sunshine..."

Kabob removed his helmet, revealing his, er, "handsome" face.

"...oh, bother..." Said Rey.

Kabob then made a gesture to a Stormtrooper pea.

"GET BUSY!"

The Stormtrooper immediately pressed a button on a nearby boom box.

"Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (Now now)

Why don't they just let me live (Oh oh oh)

I don't need permission

Make my own decisions (Oh)

That's my prerogative"

"What. The Heck." Said Rey as she watched him sing in a slightly off-key voice.

"They say I'm crazy

I really don't care

That's my prerogative

They say I'm nasty

But I don't give a damn

Gettin' girls is how I live

Some ask me questions

Why am I so real"

Kabob got out a baseball hat and put it backwards on his head. He grabbed a boom box and started beatboxing.

His beatboxing would be great, that is, if he wasn't COMPLETELY horrible at it.

"But they don't understand me

I really don't know the deal

About a brother

Trying hard to make it right

Not long ago

Before I win this fight

Sing!"

Kabob began tap-dancing across the room, a heart-shaped spotlight shown on him.

"Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me

Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)

I don't need permission

Make my own decisions (Oh)

That's my prerogative

It's my prerogative (It's my prerogative)

It's the way that I wanna live (It's my prerogative)"

He tossed the hat and came to the side and sat on a chair next to a lever. He pulled it, drenching himself in water.

"I can do just what I feel (It's my prerogative)

No one can tell me what to do (It's my prerogative)

Cause what I'm doin'

I'm doin' for you now"

"O M bloody gosh, this is one sick puppy..." Thought Rey as he adjusted her table and sang in front of her face.

"Don't get me wrong

I'm really not zooped

Ego trips is not my thing

All these strange relationships

Really gets me down

I see nothin' wrong"

Kabob jumped into Rey's non-existent arms and wriggled his eyebrows.

"With spreadin' myself around

Sing!

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (yeah)

Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)

I don't need permission (I don't need)

Make my own decisions (My own decisions)

That's my prerogative"

Kabob looked directly into Rey's eyes, planting a small kiss on her cheek which made her cringe.

"It's my prerogative (It's my prerogative)

I can do what I wanna do (It's my prerogative)

Truly live my life (It's my prerogative)

I'm doin' it just for you (It's my prerogative)"

A bunch of fireworks shot into the air, exploding into hearts.

"Tell me, tell me

Why can't I live my life (Live my life)

Without all of the things that people say (Oh Oh)

Yo tell it, kick it like this

Oh no no

I can do what I wanna do

Me and you

Together, together, together, together, together"

Kabob jumped on a fainting couch and did a few sensual poses.

"Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (Everybody's talkin')

Why don't they just let me live (Why)

(Why don't they just let me live girl)

I don't need permission (I don't need permission)

Make my own decisions

That's my prerogative"

The song ended with Rey and Kylo near a hastily assembled altar, surrounded by Stormtroopers with

Captain Phasma as the preacher.

Rey was also in an insanely puffy

black wedding dress, and Kabob wore a tux with a black rose.

"Do you, like, take Lord Kabob Ren to be, like, your lawfully wedded--"

"CREEP!!!" Exclaimed Rey as she slapped Kabob in the face and ran

from the makeshift altar.

She also knocked over an enormously tall wedding cake, which splattered on Phasma and her army.


	16. Family Feud

Meanwhile, Bob, Chewie, BB-8 and Finn were still looking for Rey.

"How did'ja get around this place when you were working for them?"

Asked Bob.

"Oh." Said Finn. "They program us

from birth until we can memorize

every single nook and cranny of the bases without actually going inside."

"Then I see no point in us just walkin' in here and getting Rey now.." Said Bob.

"I know what I'm doing." Said Finn. "But let's be real. It's not like she's gonna walk right out of that--"

Rey burst through the door in front of him.

"...door..." Finn finished. "REY!"

Finn and Chewie embraced Rey. Bob looked at them, and embraced her as well.

"What happened?" Asked Finn.

"Did he try one of his mind-reading

torture methods?" Asked Bob.

"...cause if he did I'm gonna kill him..."

"No..." Said Rey, trying to not recall the awkward moment. "...he...er, kinda had the hots for me, so he bloody wanted to straight-up marry me." Said Rey.

"What's next?" Said Bob, sarcastically, "...a mouse, a duck, and a dog with their own animated

movies and theme park?"

"Way things are going right now," said Rey. "It could happen."

Rey, Finn, Bob, and Chewie loaded all the explosives, and Bob activated the detonator. Next, Bob barged into a room where he could tell Kabob was going to be.

He gestured to Rey, Chewie, and Finn to stay hidden until the time was right.

Sure enough, a red light from Kabob's knifesaber appeared on the bridge. The aged tomato walked closer.

"JUNIOR!!" Yelled Bob.

Kabob Ren turned around. He chuckled maliciously a little.

"Bob Solo." He said. "Long have I awaited this moment..."

"Son," said Bob. "It's 'Daddy', not 'Bob Solo'. You can cut the bad guy act--I'm here, and I've come to take you home to your mother."

"No." Said Kabob. "You are an enemy."

"Who said I was?" Asked Bob. "The big pickle?! I don't even know if Snoke actually exists."

"You're being ridiculous." Said Kabob. "Snoke is as real as the LIES your kind told!!!"

"No, no, Junior--YOU, are being ridiculous. You say you're going into the musical theatre business after you become a Jedi, and after two years, THIS IS WHERE YOU END UP?!"

"But Father!!" Exclaimed Kabob. "The Dark Side is my passion! You get to show the world YOUR VIEW ON LIFE!! you get to quite literally do away with all those who oppress

you--and besides, they give you these nice little dark chocolates."

Kabob popped a few in his helmet

and started eating them.

"You know your Uncle Chewie made chocolate-chip cookies better than those bitter pieces of crud." Said Bob.

"Pssh!" Said Kabob. "Dark chocolate is far more healthier."

"You know he's here with us.." Said Bob.

Kabob looked back to see Chewlotsa, who waved a non-existent paw. He growled "hello!" in

Chewie's native Shriiwook.

"...is she here, too?"

"No. No "she" isn't here." Said Bob. "What do you mean, she? You got a girlfriend? Take off the helmet, and as I said before, you can cut the act, son." Bob walked closer to Kabob.

"No.." Said Kabob. "The light will sear me...I must stay in the dark.."

"Come on!!" Said Bob. "I won't judge!!"

Kabob removed his helmet. Bob moved back and made a loud "YEEH!" noise. Kabob raised an eyebrow at his father.

"...holy nerfs you are hideous.." said Bob.

"Is it cause of my acne?" Asked Kabob. "I though you said you wouldn't judge me."

"You SHOULDN'T have acne--YOUR MOM GAVE YOU CREAM FOR

THAT!!!! Now you'll never get a woman."

Kabob pushed his father's non-existent hands away, and grabbed his helmet.

"Course' I will." He grumbled.

"Ohhhh, no." Said Bob. "Not with those Christmas lights ya won't! I

never got acne, heck, your mom

didn't have that, and she snagged me. 'Specially with this getup:"

Bob pulled out an old picture of Leia in her youth, wearing the infamous slave outfit. 'Hey, babe...' was written on the side in red marker, along with a few hearts.

"Ew." Kabob pushed the pic away. "I did not need to see that."

"Now, son..." said Bob. "I can help you with this demon inside your body. Let us take you home, and we all might enjoy the company of you, my boy, once again..."

All was silent as Bob looked at his offspring.

Rey, Finn, and Chewie watched from a distance.

After a while, Kabob couldn't take it.

He started to cry, and went to Bob, who hugged him and started to dry his waterfall-like tears.

With red eyes from so much tears

being shed, Kabob managed to say in a cracking voice; "Father!"

"Son..." replied Bob.

Kabob slowly pulled out his knifesaber, but he did not use it. A while passed, then Kabob spoke up.

"Say dad..."

"Yes, son?"

"Do you know why they called me Kabob?"

"No?"

Bob's eyes grew really wide.

Rey and Finn looked to the side as a loud *"VUUMMM-kTCHHHHHHHHHKKKK!!"*

annihilated the silence.

The corpse of Bob Solo; smuggler, ladies man, a good friend yet kind of a jerk but still with a heart of

gold...drifted down a white, endless abyss.

"NOOOOO!!" Yelled Rey. She and

Finn defended themselves from the Stormtroopers' blasters.

Chewie growled and angrily blasted

Kabob. Kabob yelled in pain and examined his side.

Rey set off the dynamite, and the planet was set to explode at any minute. When Kabob was ready to fight Rey and Finn, they were gone, along with Chewie.

Kabob yelled and telekinetically flung a bunch of metal objects around him.

"YOU'RE GONNA FALL, LONDON BRIIIIIIIIIIIDGE!!!!" Roared Kabob.


	17. The Frozen Battle

"SUPREME LEADER!!" Chux ran into the room where Snoke was being held. He dodged the various pieces of black concrete ceiling coming down and practically crushing him. "We must leave! The planet's exploding and will be no more than dust in seconds!"

"Why should I listen to you...puny strip of meat." Said Snoke. "I thought Kabob could handle eet, but apparently he can't. Besides, I'm not going anyway."

"Why IS that?!!" Exclaimed Chux.

His peripheral vision eyed the still-opened, yet half-finished box of

donuts. "Oh, don't tell me--it's because YOU ARE WAYYYYY TOO FREAKIN' HUGE FOR A PICKLE!!"

"...and you are thin for someone dat likes food." Snoke made a rather smug expression.

"touché...Okay, then, FINE!!" Exclaimed Chux. "STAY THERE, "JOLLY GREEN GIANT"!! Just please, let me get the donuts!"

Snoke stared down at the slightly-odd mannered ginger-haired general with a bottomless pit of an appetite. Chux quickly grabbed the box and ran out the door. Now, Snoke could only watch and wait as the base started to break apart.

\--

\--

Rey, Chewie and Finn ran through the tree door that they had come in through earlier. There was a wild blizzard in the air, and temperatures were below zero.

They ran and ran, until a tree fell in front of them.

The tree just didn't fall by itself. Kabob Ren stood in front of it, firmly grasping his lightsaber. Chewie

moved away as he approached Rey and Finn.

"YOU NEED A TEACHER!!!!" He

called. "I CAN SHOW YOU THE

WAYS OF THE LITE VINAIGRETTE!!

HOW TO UNLOCK THE TRUE

POTENTIAL!! JOIN ME!!"

"...you, sir, are no Darth Verdura." Said Rey.

Kabob moved back. He gritted his

teeth.

"...what." He said.

"You heard me!" Said Rey. "As you were reading my mind, I was reading yours. Your most well-kept secret is that you want to follow in the ways of Verdura, but you will NEVER be as strong and evil as

he. And yeah, all that yelping was

just a ruse!"

"Then, HOW did you find out whereI was before I killed Bob?" Asked Kabob.

"It was the ginger over there." Said Finn, smirking. "Boy, dangle a coupon to a donut place and he'll say anything!"

Kabob looked at General Chux, who was being held tightly between Chewie's arm.

"Et tu, Chux?!!" Exclaimed Kabob.

"What?!!" Said Chux. "It was the Wookiee!" Chux pulled out the coupon and squealed in delight.

"Oh, never mind that!" Exclaimed

Kabob. He unsheathed his knifesaber. "NOW...WE MAMBO!!!"

Rey started to fight Kabob. He kept on doing this chest-punching thing

every once and a while. Finn raised

an eyebrow.

"Uh, what's that you're doin' there, Mr. Ren?" He asked, chuckling a

little.

Kabob and Rey kept going at it, until Rey fell to the ground. Finn was

shocked.

"REY!!" He yelled.

The leek grabbed her body and handed her to Chewie, who hid behind a few trees, trying to keep warm.

"I'll handle this imbecile." Finn told her.

Finn boldly stood up and approached Kabob. Kabob punched his aching side a bit more, staining his outfit a much darker color of blackish-red.

"TRAITOR!!!" Yelled Kabob. "HOW

DARE YOU ABANDON ME!!! EN GARDE!"

Kabob once again yanked out his

knifesaber. Finn yanked out his and ran towards him, giving a battle cry

of, "RRRRRAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

"GRAAAYYAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" Kabob yelled back.

Kabob and Finn dueled and dueled for what seemed like hours. With every blow Kabob gave, Finn would always dodge. Finn gave a huge scar to Kabob's face, which really stung in the insanely cold weather. Finn chuckled, agitating Kabob even more.

"WHY YOU!!" Exclaimed Kabob. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF HOW HARD I'VE WORKED TO GET UP TO THE TOP LIKE THIS?!! THE TRAUMA I'VE BEEN THROUGH?!!"

"No." said Finn. "But...I'm gonna

go out on a limb and say that at

some point in your life you were...er, rejected by a

woman?"

Finn smirked.

"THOUSANDS. UPON THOUSANDS. OF WOMEN." Kabob yelled in Finn's face.

("You have horrible breath!" Yelled Finn as he moved back.)

Kabob swished his saber, knocking the lightsaber out of Finn's hand. Finn watched as it fell and landed on the soft, cold snow. He had to get it, so he tried to move as close as possible.

"...NOT TO MENTION YOUR LITTLE FRIEND!!" Kabob stopped him. "And it's not just women that have rejected me...it's also lying, BUG-eyed, fat-headed, sniveling, low-brow little TRAITORS LIKE YOU!!!!"

Kabob sliced Finn, but he did not kill him. He then struggled to reach the lightsaber, but it strangely started

to move to an unknown source.

"WOUND MY FRIEND..." said a voice.

The lightsaber stopped mid-air as a non-existent hand held it. A blue flash illuminated the snow.

"...and ill wound YOU!!"

Rey valiantly held the lightsaber. She knitted her eyebrows at Kabob. Kabob, however, only chuckled.

"This should be fun..."

With a swipe of the lightsaber, Rey had given Kabob a huge, bloody scar across his face.

"AAAAAAAAYIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!" He yelled, breathing heavily and examining his injury. "MY FAAAAAAAACE!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL

BEAUTIFUL FAAAAAAAAACE

!!!!"

"GET A GRIP AND KEEP FIGHTING, YOU BIG BABY!!!" Yelled Chux.

"THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOUUU!!" Yelled Kabob. He inhaled his tears.

Kabob and Rey started to duel again. Kabob was relatively fast with his saber, but Rey was faster--she had the Lite Vinaigrette with

her. Meanwhile, Finn was trying to

get away from Kabob. Just as he

was behind the first tree...

"Ah-ah-ah...Where do you think YOU'RE going?!" Kabob Lite-

Vinaigrette-grabbed Finn and tied him to a tree.

"As for you..." said Kabob, eyeing Rey.

Rey felt like she was being flung into an ocean. The warm waters indicated that she was indeed submerged. A few masses bubbles pulled back, revealing Kabob, his leaves moving like hair in the waters. All Rey could head was Kabob's voice.

"Check my trunks..." Kabob pulled back his black swimming trunks, making the elastic slap back on. "...feels like I'm wearin' nothing at

all..."

"Nothing at all..."

"Nothing at all.."

"Nothing at all..."

Rey's eyelid twitched.

Her eyes grew red and veiny.

"SHUUUT...UUUUUPPP!!!

!!!!!!!!!" Rey yelled as she sliced his

scene in half.

The scene changed back to the previous scene. Kabob only chuckled and stood up.

"STOP FLIRTING, STOP BEING WEIRD, AND NO...MORE...SON

GS!!!!" Yelled Rey.

Rey started to fight

Kabob. While she fought, she felt angrier than ever at his actions.

He had held her hostage.

He killed Bob Solo.

Most importantly, he, the leader of the First Order, apparently took the lives of her parents when she was so young.

"You think we're all just "CHIM-CHIM CHERRIE" and "FISH N' CHIPS" and all that bloody stereotypical stuff, you on the other hand are nothing more than a hot dog-eating, God bless America, "What up dude", bald eagle, Statue of Liberty..." Rey was getting more upset by the second. "...rap music listening, Blake Shelton, Tim McGraw, YANK!!!!!"

"Ooh!" Said Kabob. "Feisty! Daddy likes him a feisty wife-sty !"

Rey's left eye twitched wildly at this moment. The image was still stuck in her head; Kabob saying

"...WWWWWiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIFE.." in slow-

motion.

Rey wanted to become mad at him, but she didn't.

Becoming angry would lead to the Dark Side. She simply breathed, and let herself calm down.

The Lite Vinaigrette guided her with every blow Kabob dealt at her, without actually seeing Kabob.

Then, Rey opened her eyes. She knew what she had to do.

Rey leaned in, and did the most unexpected thing anyone would ever think of doing to a Sith Lord. It seemed preposterous at first, but she hadn't any other choice.

Rey kissed him.

Kabob's eyes widened.

Chux, Finn, and Chewie all had their mouths agape.

"BAAABYYYY!!!

Yes, I compare

you to a kiss from

a rose on the grave!!!!"

That kiss Rey gave Kabob was infused with the Lite-Vinaigrette. It caused him to babble like a cretin,

then he became absolutely speechless. Kabob was just

staring at Rey, and her beauty.

Chux was incredibly shocked at this, Finn nudged him.

"You okay?" He asked Chux.

"No..." Said Chux. "I'm positively disgusted." He leaned closer to

Finn. "Look--you're gonna find this very hard to believe, but I'm--"

Chux whispered to Finn. In astonishment and disgust, Finn backed away.

That kiss Rey gave Kabob then created a large, heart-shaped crack in the ground separating Kabob and Chux, from Rey and Finn.

Finn looked at Rey, who was kinda smiling.

"Rey?" He asked. "How'd ya do that?"

"I just fought fire with fire, that's all." Said Rey. "Now, let's go home. This thing's gonna explode at any minute."


	18. Epilogue

Back at the Resistance Base, people went about their day. A ship landed, then first Poe, then Rey, then Chewie emerged.

Crowds of people gathered around

them.

General Leia broke through the crowds to find Rey. Rey looked at her, and she started to break into tears. Leia ran towards Rey and hugged her tightly.

"Me and all my

friends

We're all

misunderstood

They say we stand

for nothing and

There's no way we

ever could

Now we see

everything that's

going wrong

With the world

and those who

lead it

We just feel like

we don't have the

means

To rise above and

beat it

So we keep

waiting (waiting)

Waiting on the

world to change

We keep on

waiting (waiting)

Waiting on the

world to

change..."

Meanwhile, BB-8 and Archie-p0 were walking around the inside of the Resistance base. Archie-p0 had started the conversation by talking about the latest (and dangerous)

adventure that little BB-8 had.

"...so you and Master Poe saved

Rey and uh...whomever he was..

(BB beeped.) Right, Finn."

BB-8 continued to talk, until something whirred to life. He looked, and saw that ancient droid R2-Pea2 was now active again!

BB-8 happily beeped, and R2 responded, sticking out a metal

hand and patting his head.

"Why, R2-Pea2!" Exclaimed Arch.

"IM BACK, YA GOLD-PLATED PANSY!!!!!!!" Exclaimed R2. He

quickly covered his mouth with a metal hand.

Arch was absolutely stunned. All he could say was, "Don't say that about me!"

R2 had the map to Cuke this whole time--he just needed to come back on. The ancient droid and new droid matched their pieces up, re-uniting the map.

"Oh, how I've missed you, dear friend." Said Arch. R2 beeped a happy response.

Rey was then assigned to go to the planet with Chewie and R2, and train with Cuke until further notice. She smiled as Chewie growled, and punched the Falcon's Hyperdrive, everyone waving as they flew by.

They had arrived in the planet after a good while. The planet, was mostly ocean, along with some few islands here and there. Rey jumped out of the Falcon, followed by Chewie and R2. Chewie waved to Rey, and R2 happily chirped.

Rey walked away from the Falcon and started to climb the mountain. As she did so, she felt all her stress from what had happened yesterday melt.

"So we keep

waiting (waiting)

Waiting on the

world to change

We keep on

waiting (waiting) Waiting on the

world to change..."

Rey reached the top of the mountain and looked around. It was so quiet her ears might pop.

A few clouds of fog rolled behind in front of her, revealing a hooded stranger. Rey held out the lightsaber and held it out to the stranger.

The stranger removed his robe's hood, revealing a slightly chunky,

gray-haired, bearded, wrinkled

cucumber.

This was Cuke.

After all this time, he was still alive.

But this dude had certainly not aged well.

However, Rey pressed on. She held out the lightsaber, and waited...and waited, and waited, and still waited. Cuke and her simply stared. It was getting more and more awkward by the second.

"...So...are you just going to stare at me or grab the lightsaber?" Said Rey.

End.

\--DarkSyde

(Imperial March

Rap II)--

Awaken, Force,

Of course of

course,

BB got the map,

track it down to the

source!

"We're doomed!"

Cool it, Threepio,

goldy!

Your prim attitude's

gettin' real old,

see?

Cinnamon buns like

Leia's hair,

Lasers flyin'

ev'rywhere,

Vader, he don't

care,

Lookin' an' chokin'

you wit his death

glare!

Come on now

Rebels,

Make ya jump n'

jive,

One foot in the

grave but we're still

alive,

We're comin' back

next,

After Rogue One,

Thought you

defeated us?

We ain't done, son!

(Vader!)

\--beatbox

instrumental--

(Maul!)

\--beatbox

instrumental--

(Palpatine!)

\--beatbox

instrumental--

(Dooku!)

\--beatbox

instrumental--

(Ren!)

The newest

member of the

Skywalker clan,

He's dark an' tall

an' a man wit a

plan!

Grandfather, Im'a

finish what you

started,

Ren-y can't you

find it in your heart

an',

Go home with your

mom and your

pops-- oh right,

you killed him,

Still ya gotta stop!

Total domination,

Across the nation,

No satisfaction,

totally insatia...ble,

The thang that's it,

They so lit,

Too legit, too legit

to quit!

Dark Side throwin'

shade like an oak

tree,

When it comes to

evil they be the

OG,

Movin' their feet,

Do it in their sleep,

When they on

cloud nine, countin'

they evil sheep!

You can't stop,

Won't stop,

Never gon' stop,

You can't stop,

Won't stop,

Never gon' stop,

You can't stop,

Won't stop,

Never gon' stop,

You can't stop,

Won't stop,

Never gon' stop,

(Can't stop the)

Dark SIIIIIIDE!!!

(Won't stop the)

Dark SIIIIIIDE!!!

(Can't stop the)

Dark SIIIIIIDE!!!

(Won't stop the)

Dark SIIIIIIDE!!!

(Instrumental, fade out)


End file.
